Tuesday, May 24, 2011

8. Beverages & Snacks in Class: Part II

Difficulty: Intermediate

While a nice glass bottle of Perrier might do the trick for some, here at Doucheblog we recognize that there are all kinds of douchebags, and each of them require a tailored medium of sustenance that needs to be utilized in the classroom. This is an article that will outline the ideal types of snacks the “Nerdy Douche” should bring to class. 
      Nerdy douches. You know who you are: you wear transition lenses, you have a leather backpack, you ride a scooter around campus that has a little bell on it that makes noise when you set your “ride” down in class thus drawing everyone’s attention to your presence. You know a lot of weird facts about a wide variety of topics, and what's more, you aren’t afraid to share your wealth of knowledge with others (Ex. When others ask you what time it its, instead of answering them, you instead explain why penguins have square irises).
      As a true nerdy douche in class, you must do two things: 1.) Draw as much attention to yourself as possible so that your “presence” is established in the classroom 2.) Satisfy the high caloric intake necessary to maintain your freakishly large cerebral cortex. Both of these conditions can be satisfied by bringing large food items to your class (two birds, one stone, sweet success). Let us present you with a few of our favorite options.
      A cantaloupe: Bringing a whole cantaloupe to class is always a good decision. Fruit has the perfect blend of complex carbohydrates and vitamins that will keep you energized and feeling good all day. Also, the sight of a large cantaloupe is a surefire way to grab the class' attention. BONUS: use a large hunting knife to cut up your cantaloupe. During class discussions incorporate the large knife into your body language/hand gestures (i.e. when addressing someone in particular point at them with the knife).
      Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches: PB & J is a classic, but making it in the morning and eating it in the afternoon is never a good idea simply because the moisture from the jelly will make the bread soggy. Bring a jar of both peanut butter and jelly to class, along with a whole loaf of bread. As your professor lectures bring out all your supplies, and make some fresh peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. BONUS: for extra douche points begin handing out freshly made sandwiches to your peers. Not only will this attract more positive attention to you, but your classmates will begin to associate you as a source of nutrition and will become dependent on you. NOTE: if you are a male nerdy douche distributing PB & J will cause available females in your class to view you as a good provider, causing them to yearn for your seed (always a plus).
      Costco sized bag of cereal: Who doesn’t love cereal? The packaging is loud, the cereal is crunchy, and with such a large bag you won’t run out no matter how long your lecture is. This is the perfect snack; it will force others to notice you (make sure to enjoy each bite with a satisfying “crunch”), while causing everyone else to ponder how you became so awesome.
      A 2 liter bottle of soda: Lets face it, riding around all day on your scooter, correcting other people’s grammar, and being just plain awesome all day works up quite a thirst. Rehydrate by downing a whole 2 liters of your favorite soft drink. Make sure to bring an unopened bottle to class so that when you open it for the first time, the release of CO2 catches everyone's attention. Once all eyes are on you proceed to chug down the whole bottle as fast as possible. Refreshing.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

7. Apple Products

Difficulty Level: Easy

Everybody needs computers. You need one for school, your work, and even for your social life. However, you don't need a PC. You need a Mac. Why? Because when you pull out a Mac in public, you’re really doing everyone around you a favor. You are treating them to the viewing of a beautifully designed product that also screams elegance. After you pull out your MacBook Pro, feel free to pull out your iPad 2 and even the iPhone 4 you have. Make sure to lay them out so both mobile devices are on either side of your laptop. If possibly, place them in a stand of some kind, allowing them to be viewed with greater ease. At this point, frantically look at each device but constantly switch up theorder of viewing their screens. First the iPhone, then your iPad, then the Mac, then theiPad, then back at the Mac, maybe a quick glance at the iPhone, and then really glare at the Mac. Squinting a bit may also help as it shows you are concentrating on the material on the screen. If people around you ask what you are up to, lift up you hand (showing them your palm) and explain that it is all very technical - implying that they may not understand.

Keep in mind that all Apple products are indestructible. Steve has blessed each product with his immortal powers. Your Apple products don't need cases, bumpers, or covers, unless it's a SmartCover for the iPad 2 (make sure to get a leather one). Besides, why would you want to cover up that gorgeous design? Shame on you for even thinking of it!

For Our Advanced Douchebags:

The MacBook Pro comes in various sizes, with the largest one being 17 inches. Should you own a 17-inch MBP, you are essentially the King of the Douchebags. A nice way to prove your regality is to head to your nearest Starbucks with your 17-inch MBP. Make sure to cough or sneeze or somehow draw attention to yourself as you lift your baby out of its protective carrying case. As the poor owners of the 15 inchers see that bad boy they will immediately start groveling. Congrats, you are King of the Douchebags!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

6. The Essential Cologne

Difficulty level: Easy

Cologne. If used correctly, it can unlock the world for you. And by world, we of course mean panties.  Do it wrong, and you may not be able to close that business deal or score with that chick (even if she is a single mom).  

Whether or not you are a young stud or a seasoned businessman, smelling good is essential for  every douchebag - no pun intended. Cologne began it’s role back in the day when people didn’t bathe everyday. The royal families wanted to smell good so they would get concentrated extracts of oils and lather themselves up in it. They even had distinctive colognes created for them, which were their signature scents. Here at doucheblog.org, we each have our own distinctive signatures scents as well and we recommend that you get one too. Others will argue that having a few colognes to rotate is ideal; we think if you have a winning scent, you should stick to it.

Cologne should only be applied to the body, never clothing or a material good. Ever notice that the same cologne tends to smell different on different people? It’s true. A person’s own smells and pheromones mix in with the smell of the cologne and produce something distinct. Make sure to spray your body and not your clothing so that you can produce this distinctive alluring scent that is your very own. As a side note, applying cologne to anything but the body will cause it to fade more quickly and possibly stain your clothing.  As you know, a true douchebag does not stand for stains.

So, where should you apply the cologne? Hot spots. Always apply cologne to the parts of the body that release the most heat. Heat activates the cologne chemicals and allows for the smell to be more prevalent and last longer. The best parts of the body for men and women to apply scents are the wrists, neck, and behind the ears. Careful not to spray too much; you will smell like you just bathed in a vat of cologne, ensuring that your evening ends in isolated, lonely, failure.

Applying cologne behind the ears is advantageous particularly if you are in a noisy environment (like a club) and the member of the opposite sex has to lean in to whisper (or shout) in your ear.   They will notice the cologne, and as you should know, scents are among the strongest triggers for memories. Use this to your advantage and use a cologne that will more likely than not trigger a happy memory. As you know, happy memories are the wrench which you will use to loosen the bolt that is the panties. For example, a nice summer scent that reminds people of the beach and ocean may encourage happy thoughts, connoting you to these ideas. It shouldn’t necessarily smell like a beach or ocean, but you get the idea.

You also want a cologne that most other guys don’t have. Picture this scenario: a chick breaks up with a guy because he is unfaithful. She swears she will have nothing to do with him ever again. Whether or not she sticks to her own promise is irrelevant. When you walk into the bar and she approaches you and smells that you are wearing the same cologne, she will automatically associate you with that ex, and for you, this is a quick trip to the bench. The more exclusive the cologne, the less of a chance there is for this to happen. We recommend Creed cologne (see image). At $270 dollars a bottle, this cologne is a bargain, it is hand made in France, and still more expensive than your average jack-wagon can afford. Plus, it comes in a cool bottle, smells great, and will last forever. We recommend Creed Vetiver or Green Irish Tweed, which was specifically developed for Carry Grant.

One last important note, keep in mind you ought to keep your cologne in its original box to protect it from UV light rays and keep it from away from changes in temperature. Also because it looks more impressive, and displays the fact that you are better than almost everybody else.  Don’t keep cologne in the bathroom where you shower. Light and change of temperature can decrease the shelf life of the cologne and cause it to expire more quickly. If you properly handle your cologne, it should last at least four to five years.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

5. The Glove Fits - That's All That Matters

Difficulty level: Easy

Gloves. They can add that extra something special to your douchey look when worn correctly.  By correctly, of course, we mean black, thin, and contoured to your hands. Black leather driving gloves are the perfect friends for a doucehbag.

Few people know the full history of the driving glove. It was initially worn to keep the hands clean of those who were driving motor cars. After the automobile began to gain popularity, racing them against one another took off (pun not intended). The steering wheels for the race car drivers were made of wood, just as conventional early automobiles. As a result, driving gloves were used here to gain control of the vehicle.

Today driving gloves have three main functions:
  • They increase your grip.
  • They provide a better sense and feel of the road
  • They protect your hands
Here are three different, but no less important, functions of driving gloves:
  • Scaring others. Put the gloves on and slowly make a fist one finger at a time, then release your fist one finger at a time. Do this a few times while using your other hand to pull at the end of the glove around your wrist and the person in front of you can release up to an ounce of adrenaline straight into their heart.
  • Preventing fingerprints. You never know when you might need this...  Just think of it as an extra perk.
  • Driving gloves just look badass and douchey. They add an aura of sophistication. Not to mention that they show you appreciate and understand the history of how they came to be.
Now, you may ask, “How do I know I am buying a proper pair of black driving gloves?” The answer is simple. Follow these steps to make sure you buy a pair that will will be perfect:

  • Make sure the colour of the gloves are indeed black - not some offset, no other colours, nothing. Pure black.
  • Make sure that the gloves are real leather. No faux leather or pleather junk...you want these babies to be real. Real leather wears better than vinyl and will show character with age. Fake leather either never wears out or it wears out entirely. Either way, nothing ruins your douchebag image faster than fake leather gloves.  Real leather is where it is at. Furthermore, an animal was killed for you. Think about the value that this adds. A woman (or a man - remember, equality here) took time to hunt down your animal, then skinned it, brought it back to a store, cleaned the skin, seasoned it, sent it to be coloured, then prepped it for the seamstress, who then cut the leather and then sewed it into the masterpiece that you see in front of you. When you hold the gloves, think about the time and effort and work that it took to make what you hold in your hands. In addition, as stated in Law of Nature #32, when an animal is killed for the benefit of a man (women are included in that term), the life force of said animal will therein be transferred to the individual wearing the animal.  Basically it just makes you significantly more awesome.  Or...you can buy some cheap piece of shit.  Your call. 
  • Make sure the glove is tight. And we mean tight. The glove is suppose to stretch out as you wear it. You should be able to get your hands into the glove and make a fist, but aside from that, you should feel a lot of tightness. The leather will slowly stretch and conform to your hands. This will make the glove appear more contoured.
  • Make sure the driving glove has open knuckles and an open back for maximum flexibility and for ventilation. The open back is especially great if the driving gloves are longer and you still need to be able to see your chronograph (Don’t know what that is? - We will be writing about it soon).
Now, armed with your knowledge of driving gloves, go buy a pair and experience a part of history for yourself.  While you are at it, do a favor to those around you by educating them about this often overlooked accessory. They will thank you for it once you explain to them what and impact it has had on you.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

4. Be a d-bag, don’t use a t-bag

Difficulty Level: Easy

If you are serious about being a douchebag, you really need to stop using tea bags. That’s right, drinking conventional bagged tea is a lot like being able to afford a Mercedes-Benz but choosing to drive a Kia. Sure, they both get the job done, but really? A Kia? C’mon.

Actually, that analogy doesn’t really stand up that well. Loose-leaf tea isn’t that much more expensive, nor does it really require any more time to make. However, it will taste infinitely better and is far more nutritious.

The history of tea is fascinating. It all began as loose-leaf. However, for ease of shipping the tea around the world, they began to move from metal containers to bags. Less weight in transit meant an easier and more cost effective shipment. These would come in many different sizes. One time, a merchant bought a relatively small quantity of tea and tossed it all in with the bag into his large water boiler, mistakenly thinking that this was the proper method. And so, it was realized that you could easily bag tea, brew it, and have a relatively easy clean-up process. The method has since evolved from thicker cloth bags to the paper-like tea bags that we see today.

There are a few reasons why loose-leaf tea is superior, though. The first is that bagged tea is just crap. It’s true. It doesn’t matter what exotic flavor you might have. When loose leaf tea is processed, the small broken up bits of the leaves that they cannot sell all get collected and stuffed into little bags, which you then spend your money on. Unless the container states that it is loose leaf tea in bags (and you can see that the tea leaves are indeed larger than normal conventional packets) then you are getting garbage.

Even if you do get loose-leaf bagged tea its still crap.  You could be brewing your tea in an infuser that will allow all the leaves to expand. The more freely the tea leaves can expand, the healthier and tastier the tea will be.

Now you may say “I don’t drink tea.  I’m a coffee man.” To that, we reply “pity." Tea is wonderful. Here are some reasons why tea drinkers are better than you.

Drinking tea:
  • helps lead to fewer signs of aging
  • helps your body fight allergies
  • improves memory
  • helps prevent Alzheimer’s disease by being rich in antioxidants
  • helps reduce inflammation and helps those with arthritis
  • lets others know you are better than they are
  • helps strengthen your bones
  • prevents bacteria from growing on your tongue, thus preventing bad breath
  • helps fight cancer
  • lowers cholesterol levels
  • improves sexual performance
  • is a safe treatment of Rosacea
  • aids in the prevention of Glaucoma
  • helps cut the risk of cardiovascular disease
  • boosts the immune system
  • makes you more attractive to the opposite sex
  • keeps your teeth healthy
  • helps boost metabolism and promote weight loss
  • increases your life span by 20 percent

Only 3 of those are made up.

As you can see, tea has many health benefits. If you aren’t drinking at least 32 oz a day, maybe you should start. It tastes great, is healthy, and it makes you better than everyone else who drinks bagged tea. Drive your Benz and explain why having 5-way directional traction control complimented with a 7-speed automatic manual tiptronic gearbox is superior to a Kia’s 5 speed automatic transmission.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

3. The Perfect Shirt

Difficulty level: Medium

It should not come as a surprise at all that the ideal douchebag dresses to the “T.” That’s right; just as ridiculous as the Lamborghini Countach was for the streets, your outfit should be the same but 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. This brings us to the perfect shirt.

The perfect shirt has a few important qualities: the contrast colour collar (CCC or trip-pimp Cs), the elegant cuff-links, and last but not least, the monogrammed initials.

The Contrast Colour Collar

What are contrast colour collars, aka trip-pimp C, shirts? Contrast colour collars are shirts where the collar and the cuffs are a different colour than the rest of the shirt. That is correct, they make the shirt with two different kinds of cloth. Traditionally, the collar and the cuffs of the shirt are white. White has been used as a symbol of purity, cleanliness, and overall “good.” This is sharply contrasted by the colour black, which has been associated with evil, darkness, dirtiness, and just plain filth. We here at the Doucheblog would recommend that you stick to the simple white contrast colour and cuffs to associate yourself with the positive connotations of the colour. On a subconscious level this contrast has an effect on people. Lets break down the unconscious effects of the trip-pimp C shirt.

  • There is something about this guy that just stands out
  • I bet this guy would be great in bed
  • Wow, how does he keep his shirts so white
  • I wonder if I have a shot with a guy who looks so incredible
  • How much money can I get this guy to spend on me since my self-worth is tied to my weight and the amount of money that men are willing to spend on me.
  • Damn...I should have worn my contrast colour collar shirt. Why didn’t I?
  • How much did he pay for this shirt? I can’t find them anywhere?
  • I feel inferior to him. To help my chances in this social situation, I will befriend him and maybe others will like me if I can prove that this cool guy likes me.
  • I wonder if I have a shot with a guy who looks so incredible (hey, its not your fault you look so damn good!)
When purchasing your shirt, make sure to get it tailored. In fact, your best bet is to go to a proper tailor (no, not JC Penny’s or the Men’s Warehouse) and select the cloth used for your shirt by hand. Yes, yes, yes...this does mean that you cannot get the shirt right then and there and you will have to be patient. However, when you do finally get it, the shirt will bring you infinitely more joy than you would get from a mediocre shirt that you simply put on and walk out of the store with. When choosing the cloth for your shirt, make sure to select stiff cloth for the collar and the cuffs. You want them to have stiff collars and cuffs so that they give a level of rigidity and structure to the cloth, thus signifying your own strength and power. A cuff that is all loose and weak doesn’t exude power or confidence. And if you are trying to become the best douchebag that can be, then you really do need collars and cuffs that are stiff.

The Cuff Link

Since you are picking the cloth of the shirt, you are also able to pick the styles. We recommend the cuff link. Unlike buttons, cuff links can’t “fall apart” and roll around on the floor. And should a cuff link come undone, you can easily put it back in it’s place. Since there are no threads keeping the cuff link in place, you don’t need a needle and thread and 15 minutes to put it back together. Furthermore, you choose the cuff links. Links are the third type of jewelry that is acceptable for men to wear, they come after watches and necklaces but before sunglasses and earrings. More coming on jewelry at a later date. For now, think about the cuff links that you would like with your shirt. The cuff links should be simple, elegant, and and present a sense of refinement. You can get multiple cuff links and swap them out with your shirts easily (something you cannot do with buttons) and so much more. The best part about cuff links is that they show you took extra care with your clothing. You care so much about looking good you went the extra distance and got them, while everyone else will be satisfied with status quo simple buttons.

For Our Expert Douches

To take this maneuver over the top, we recommend that you get your cuff monogrammed. That’s right, white cuff with black initials on the left hand cuff. This is also where your watch should be. This way, as you are asked for the time by a hot young lady, you can pull back the cuff and expose the timepiece as well as the initials.

The initials signify that you care so much about your shirt that you went even further (than just cuff links) to get them stitched with your initials. It also signifies that the shirt wasn’t just off the rack. No sir. Your shirt was hand tailored.

Should you be asked if your shirt is indeed monogrammed with your initials by a young lady, simply look at her in disbelief and exclaim with a snort and laugh that “only a douche would do that.” Then take note of the cuff on your shirt, move your eyebrows in a concerned and confused fashion, and then ask her what time she is having dinner tonight. Once she tells you the time (sometime between 6-8pm), mention “so you should be done around 9:30; why don’t we hook-up for a drink around then.” Now you are all set and you won’t have to pay for dinner. More on picking up chicks coming up!

Monday, February 28, 2011

2. The Ultimate Crunch

Difficulty level: Moderate

An important component in every douche’s lifestyle is the pursuit of a physique that would rival the Greek gods themselves. Especially in today’s society, where physical fitness is no longer a priority for the masses, a true douchebag must do all that he can in order to distinguish himself from others and exemplify his superior position in society. While all of us here at Doucheblog have not had a chance to fully contextualize what it truly means to be a “gym douche” (more to come on this later), we would like to give a prime example of how a douchebag can, and should, act in a fitness center environment.

The competition between douchebags in a gym setting is fierce; guys are slamming heavy weights left and right to illustrate how difficult their lifts are. Many of them are donning sleeveless tees that show off tribal tats, and almost every other guy in there has a cocktail of colorful supplements that screams douchebag. It is difficult to establish yourself in this type of environment, and there are many factors working against you. You need not worry however, the exercise described below will demonstrate how awesome and badass you are despite the lack of heavy weights, and the fact that a shirt with sleeves can be worn while performing it.

This exercise is called “The Ultimate Crunch” (be sure to make sure everyone within earshot hears this badass exercise title prior to its performance). You will need a training partner and a decline bench with foot supports to perform this exercise. The premise is simple, you will perform decline crunches as one normally would except for one major addition: your crunching partner is blasting you in the abdominals with punches. Your partner must punch you hard or else it simply won’t look as douchey as it should. For the first few times start off nice and easy, but as time progresses ramp up the intensity until those around you have no choice but to stare in awe because of your display of incredible core strength in a situation that would cause others severe internal bleeding. With a simple twist, a boring crunch becomes an awesome, and incredibly douchey action that will be sure to turn heads and draw all of the attention in the gym to you. This, of course, is always the goal.

Note: Feel free to make audible sounds, while squinting, that illustrate how difficult your exercise is. This is a subtle art (more to come on how to perfect this art in the coming months). You should not grunt loudly, but rather produce softer hissing sounds (such as “sssah”) that say “wow this exercise is super difficult and hurts really bad, but I am such a badass that I can perform it without screaming for medical attention, and btw defiantly pay attention to what I am doing because I am the epitome of everything you wish to become, and ladies, yes I will go out with you because I know all of you are checking me out (it MUST imply a run on sentence of this nature, that is how we douchebags communicate).

Now, a radical exercise such as the “Ultimate Crunch” has powerful ramifications that will undoubtedly undermine the delicate douchebag hierarchy previously established in the gym. Other members of the gym will feel threatened by your awesome crunches, and through fear and intimidation, will try to undermine you. Not to worry, we have encountered this before and know exactly what to do. Often times, inferior douches will approach you and claim that your variation of the crunch is stupid and pointless. Before directly engaging these assholes in a defensive debate about the validity of your exercise regiment, you must instead take the offensive. (This is a separate douchebag manoeuvre which will be covered in detail later.) Ask them immediately if they know what a AC index is (Abdominal Compression index) and wait for the inevitable answer: “No.” (Nobody knows what this is because it is a term that we have simply made up). Explain that your exercise maximizes this index in ways that a traditional crunch can only dream of. Explain that despite popular belief, this index is the only measurement one should consider when performing abdominal exercises. Then shift gears, display “genuine” surprise at their ignorance of the term and ask them what they instead use to gauge the effectiveness of their ab exercises. Regardless of their answer give them a douchey scoff, shake your head, and proclaim that their notion of a good ab workout is “hilarious.” Shake your head at them and mutter how sad their incompetence is as you prepare for your second set of crunches. As you are performing your second set grab their attention (preferably by whistling at them as though they are a canine), point at your shredded midsection, and state that “it’s all about the index bro”. (Using “bro” appropriately in a fitness center situation can act like a multiplier on your doucheyness) Upon completing this, wave them away proclaiming “we are done here” and explain that you are in the gym to work and not to “goof off”. Relish in your victory with your tried and true douchebag smirk.

By doing this, an attempt to usurp you from your role as an apex douchebag has successfully been undermined and effectively crushed. As a true douchebag it is up to you to make sure that all who serve to taint your image of unprecedented awesomeness are destroyed and publicly humiliated.

For the Expert Douche:
Perform the ultimate crunch by yourself without a partner. While performing incline crunches punch yourself in the stomach when the top of your crunch is reached. This doubles both the intensity and LBA (Level of Bad Ass) of the exercise, in effect quadrupling how awesome you look while doing it.