Tuesday, March 29, 2011

5. The Glove Fits - That's All That Matters

Difficulty level: Easy

Gloves. They can add that extra something special to your douchey look when worn correctly.  By correctly, of course, we mean black, thin, and contoured to your hands. Black leather driving gloves are the perfect friends for a doucehbag.

Few people know the full history of the driving glove. It was initially worn to keep the hands clean of those who were driving motor cars. After the automobile began to gain popularity, racing them against one another took off (pun not intended). The steering wheels for the race car drivers were made of wood, just as conventional early automobiles. As a result, driving gloves were used here to gain control of the vehicle.

Today driving gloves have three main functions:
  • They increase your grip.
  • They provide a better sense and feel of the road
  • They protect your hands
Here are three different, but no less important, functions of driving gloves:
  • Scaring others. Put the gloves on and slowly make a fist one finger at a time, then release your fist one finger at a time. Do this a few times while using your other hand to pull at the end of the glove around your wrist and the person in front of you can release up to an ounce of adrenaline straight into their heart.
  • Preventing fingerprints. You never know when you might need this...  Just think of it as an extra perk.
  • Driving gloves just look badass and douchey. They add an aura of sophistication. Not to mention that they show you appreciate and understand the history of how they came to be.
Now, you may ask, “How do I know I am buying a proper pair of black driving gloves?” The answer is simple. Follow these steps to make sure you buy a pair that will will be perfect:

  • Make sure the colour of the gloves are indeed black - not some offset, no other colours, nothing. Pure black.
  • Make sure that the gloves are real leather. No faux leather or pleather junk...you want these babies to be real. Real leather wears better than vinyl and will show character with age. Fake leather either never wears out or it wears out entirely. Either way, nothing ruins your douchebag image faster than fake leather gloves.  Real leather is where it is at. Furthermore, an animal was killed for you. Think about the value that this adds. A woman (or a man - remember, equality here) took time to hunt down your animal, then skinned it, brought it back to a store, cleaned the skin, seasoned it, sent it to be coloured, then prepped it for the seamstress, who then cut the leather and then sewed it into the masterpiece that you see in front of you. When you hold the gloves, think about the time and effort and work that it took to make what you hold in your hands. In addition, as stated in Law of Nature #32, when an animal is killed for the benefit of a man (women are included in that term), the life force of said animal will therein be transferred to the individual wearing the animal.  Basically it just makes you significantly more awesome.  Or...you can buy some cheap piece of shit.  Your call. 
  • Make sure the glove is tight. And we mean tight. The glove is suppose to stretch out as you wear it. You should be able to get your hands into the glove and make a fist, but aside from that, you should feel a lot of tightness. The leather will slowly stretch and conform to your hands. This will make the glove appear more contoured.
  • Make sure the driving glove has open knuckles and an open back for maximum flexibility and for ventilation. The open back is especially great if the driving gloves are longer and you still need to be able to see your chronograph (Don’t know what that is? - We will be writing about it soon).
Now, armed with your knowledge of driving gloves, go buy a pair and experience a part of history for yourself.  While you are at it, do a favor to those around you by educating them about this often overlooked accessory. They will thank you for it once you explain to them what and impact it has had on you.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

4. Be a d-bag, don’t use a t-bag

Difficulty Level: Easy

If you are serious about being a douchebag, you really need to stop using tea bags. That’s right, drinking conventional bagged tea is a lot like being able to afford a Mercedes-Benz but choosing to drive a Kia. Sure, they both get the job done, but really? A Kia? C’mon.

Actually, that analogy doesn’t really stand up that well. Loose-leaf tea isn’t that much more expensive, nor does it really require any more time to make. However, it will taste infinitely better and is far more nutritious.

The history of tea is fascinating. It all began as loose-leaf. However, for ease of shipping the tea around the world, they began to move from metal containers to bags. Less weight in transit meant an easier and more cost effective shipment. These would come in many different sizes. One time, a merchant bought a relatively small quantity of tea and tossed it all in with the bag into his large water boiler, mistakenly thinking that this was the proper method. And so, it was realized that you could easily bag tea, brew it, and have a relatively easy clean-up process. The method has since evolved from thicker cloth bags to the paper-like tea bags that we see today.

There are a few reasons why loose-leaf tea is superior, though. The first is that bagged tea is just crap. It’s true. It doesn’t matter what exotic flavor you might have. When loose leaf tea is processed, the small broken up bits of the leaves that they cannot sell all get collected and stuffed into little bags, which you then spend your money on. Unless the container states that it is loose leaf tea in bags (and you can see that the tea leaves are indeed larger than normal conventional packets) then you are getting garbage.

Even if you do get loose-leaf bagged tea its still crap.  You could be brewing your tea in an infuser that will allow all the leaves to expand. The more freely the tea leaves can expand, the healthier and tastier the tea will be.

Now you may say “I don’t drink tea.  I’m a coffee man.” To that, we reply “pity." Tea is wonderful. Here are some reasons why tea drinkers are better than you.

Drinking tea:
  • helps lead to fewer signs of aging
  • helps your body fight allergies
  • improves memory
  • helps prevent Alzheimer’s disease by being rich in antioxidants
  • helps reduce inflammation and helps those with arthritis
  • lets others know you are better than they are
  • helps strengthen your bones
  • prevents bacteria from growing on your tongue, thus preventing bad breath
  • helps fight cancer
  • lowers cholesterol levels
  • improves sexual performance
  • is a safe treatment of Rosacea
  • aids in the prevention of Glaucoma
  • helps cut the risk of cardiovascular disease
  • boosts the immune system
  • makes you more attractive to the opposite sex
  • keeps your teeth healthy
  • helps boost metabolism and promote weight loss
  • increases your life span by 20 percent

Only 3 of those are made up.

As you can see, tea has many health benefits. If you aren’t drinking at least 32 oz a day, maybe you should start. It tastes great, is healthy, and it makes you better than everyone else who drinks bagged tea. Drive your Benz and explain why having 5-way directional traction control complimented with a 7-speed automatic manual tiptronic gearbox is superior to a Kia’s 5 speed automatic transmission.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

3. The Perfect Shirt

Difficulty level: Medium

It should not come as a surprise at all that the ideal douchebag dresses to the “T.” That’s right; just as ridiculous as the Lamborghini Countach was for the streets, your outfit should be the same but 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. This brings us to the perfect shirt.

The perfect shirt has a few important qualities: the contrast colour collar (CCC or trip-pimp Cs), the elegant cuff-links, and last but not least, the monogrammed initials.

The Contrast Colour Collar

What are contrast colour collars, aka trip-pimp C, shirts? Contrast colour collars are shirts where the collar and the cuffs are a different colour than the rest of the shirt. That is correct, they make the shirt with two different kinds of cloth. Traditionally, the collar and the cuffs of the shirt are white. White has been used as a symbol of purity, cleanliness, and overall “good.” This is sharply contrasted by the colour black, which has been associated with evil, darkness, dirtiness, and just plain filth. We here at the Doucheblog would recommend that you stick to the simple white contrast colour and cuffs to associate yourself with the positive connotations of the colour. On a subconscious level this contrast has an effect on people. Lets break down the unconscious effects of the trip-pimp C shirt.

  • There is something about this guy that just stands out
  • I bet this guy would be great in bed
  • Wow, how does he keep his shirts so white
  • I wonder if I have a shot with a guy who looks so incredible
  • How much money can I get this guy to spend on me since my self-worth is tied to my weight and the amount of money that men are willing to spend on me.
  • Damn...I should have worn my contrast colour collar shirt. Why didn’t I?
  • How much did he pay for this shirt? I can’t find them anywhere?
  • I feel inferior to him. To help my chances in this social situation, I will befriend him and maybe others will like me if I can prove that this cool guy likes me.
  • I wonder if I have a shot with a guy who looks so incredible (hey, its not your fault you look so damn good!)
When purchasing your shirt, make sure to get it tailored. In fact, your best bet is to go to a proper tailor (no, not JC Penny’s or the Men’s Warehouse) and select the cloth used for your shirt by hand. Yes, yes, yes...this does mean that you cannot get the shirt right then and there and you will have to be patient. However, when you do finally get it, the shirt will bring you infinitely more joy than you would get from a mediocre shirt that you simply put on and walk out of the store with. When choosing the cloth for your shirt, make sure to select stiff cloth for the collar and the cuffs. You want them to have stiff collars and cuffs so that they give a level of rigidity and structure to the cloth, thus signifying your own strength and power. A cuff that is all loose and weak doesn’t exude power or confidence. And if you are trying to become the best douchebag that can be, then you really do need collars and cuffs that are stiff.

The Cuff Link

Since you are picking the cloth of the shirt, you are also able to pick the styles. We recommend the cuff link. Unlike buttons, cuff links can’t “fall apart” and roll around on the floor. And should a cuff link come undone, you can easily put it back in it’s place. Since there are no threads keeping the cuff link in place, you don’t need a needle and thread and 15 minutes to put it back together. Furthermore, you choose the cuff links. Links are the third type of jewelry that is acceptable for men to wear, they come after watches and necklaces but before sunglasses and earrings. More coming on jewelry at a later date. For now, think about the cuff links that you would like with your shirt. The cuff links should be simple, elegant, and and present a sense of refinement. You can get multiple cuff links and swap them out with your shirts easily (something you cannot do with buttons) and so much more. The best part about cuff links is that they show you took extra care with your clothing. You care so much about looking good you went the extra distance and got them, while everyone else will be satisfied with status quo simple buttons.

For Our Expert Douches

To take this maneuver over the top, we recommend that you get your cuff monogrammed. That’s right, white cuff with black initials on the left hand cuff. This is also where your watch should be. This way, as you are asked for the time by a hot young lady, you can pull back the cuff and expose the timepiece as well as the initials.

The initials signify that you care so much about your shirt that you went even further (than just cuff links) to get them stitched with your initials. It also signifies that the shirt wasn’t just off the rack. No sir. Your shirt was hand tailored.

Should you be asked if your shirt is indeed monogrammed with your initials by a young lady, simply look at her in disbelief and exclaim with a snort and laugh that “only a douche would do that.” Then take note of the cuff on your shirt, move your eyebrows in a concerned and confused fashion, and then ask her what time she is having dinner tonight. Once she tells you the time (sometime between 6-8pm), mention “so you should be done around 9:30; why don’t we hook-up for a drink around then.” Now you are all set and you won’t have to pay for dinner. More on picking up chicks coming up!