Monday, February 28, 2011

2. The Ultimate Crunch

Difficulty level: Moderate

An important component in every douche’s lifestyle is the pursuit of a physique that would rival the Greek gods themselves. Especially in today’s society, where physical fitness is no longer a priority for the masses, a true douchebag must do all that he can in order to distinguish himself from others and exemplify his superior position in society. While all of us here at Doucheblog have not had a chance to fully contextualize what it truly means to be a “gym douche” (more to come on this later), we would like to give a prime example of how a douchebag can, and should, act in a fitness center environment.

The competition between douchebags in a gym setting is fierce; guys are slamming heavy weights left and right to illustrate how difficult their lifts are. Many of them are donning sleeveless tees that show off tribal tats, and almost every other guy in there has a cocktail of colorful supplements that screams douchebag. It is difficult to establish yourself in this type of environment, and there are many factors working against you. You need not worry however, the exercise described below will demonstrate how awesome and badass you are despite the lack of heavy weights, and the fact that a shirt with sleeves can be worn while performing it.

This exercise is called “The Ultimate Crunch” (be sure to make sure everyone within earshot hears this badass exercise title prior to its performance). You will need a training partner and a decline bench with foot supports to perform this exercise. The premise is simple, you will perform decline crunches as one normally would except for one major addition: your crunching partner is blasting you in the abdominals with punches. Your partner must punch you hard or else it simply won’t look as douchey as it should. For the first few times start off nice and easy, but as time progresses ramp up the intensity until those around you have no choice but to stare in awe because of your display of incredible core strength in a situation that would cause others severe internal bleeding. With a simple twist, a boring crunch becomes an awesome, and incredibly douchey action that will be sure to turn heads and draw all of the attention in the gym to you. This, of course, is always the goal.

Note: Feel free to make audible sounds, while squinting, that illustrate how difficult your exercise is. This is a subtle art (more to come on how to perfect this art in the coming months). You should not grunt loudly, but rather produce softer hissing sounds (such as “sssah”) that say “wow this exercise is super difficult and hurts really bad, but I am such a badass that I can perform it without screaming for medical attention, and btw defiantly pay attention to what I am doing because I am the epitome of everything you wish to become, and ladies, yes I will go out with you because I know all of you are checking me out (it MUST imply a run on sentence of this nature, that is how we douchebags communicate).

Now, a radical exercise such as the “Ultimate Crunch” has powerful ramifications that will undoubtedly undermine the delicate douchebag hierarchy previously established in the gym. Other members of the gym will feel threatened by your awesome crunches, and through fear and intimidation, will try to undermine you. Not to worry, we have encountered this before and know exactly what to do. Often times, inferior douches will approach you and claim that your variation of the crunch is stupid and pointless. Before directly engaging these assholes in a defensive debate about the validity of your exercise regiment, you must instead take the offensive. (This is a separate douchebag manoeuvre which will be covered in detail later.) Ask them immediately if they know what a AC index is (Abdominal Compression index) and wait for the inevitable answer: “No.” (Nobody knows what this is because it is a term that we have simply made up). Explain that your exercise maximizes this index in ways that a traditional crunch can only dream of. Explain that despite popular belief, this index is the only measurement one should consider when performing abdominal exercises. Then shift gears, display “genuine” surprise at their ignorance of the term and ask them what they instead use to gauge the effectiveness of their ab exercises. Regardless of their answer give them a douchey scoff, shake your head, and proclaim that their notion of a good ab workout is “hilarious.” Shake your head at them and mutter how sad their incompetence is as you prepare for your second set of crunches. As you are performing your second set grab their attention (preferably by whistling at them as though they are a canine), point at your shredded midsection, and state that “it’s all about the index bro”. (Using “bro” appropriately in a fitness center situation can act like a multiplier on your doucheyness) Upon completing this, wave them away proclaiming “we are done here” and explain that you are in the gym to work and not to “goof off”. Relish in your victory with your tried and true douchebag smirk.

By doing this, an attempt to usurp you from your role as an apex douchebag has successfully been undermined and effectively crushed. As a true douchebag it is up to you to make sure that all who serve to taint your image of unprecedented awesomeness are destroyed and publicly humiliated.

For the Expert Douche:
Perform the ultimate crunch by yourself without a partner. While performing incline crunches punch yourself in the stomach when the top of your crunch is reached. This doubles both the intensity and LBA (Level of Bad Ass) of the exercise, in effect quadrupling how awesome you look while doing it.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Introducing "Ask A Douchebag"

One feature that we would like to add here at Doucheblog is something we are calling "Ask A Douchebag". In this feature, you, the reader, will be able to send your most pressing douchebag questions to us and we will make sure one of our resident douchebags answers it for you. This feature can't work without help from you so send your questions to No question is too douchey so ask them all. If you don't do your part and send in some questions we will be forced to make them up (actually, that would certainly be a douchebag move on our part, so maybe not such a bad idea). Either way, we would rather answer real questions so send them in.

Monday, February 21, 2011

1. Beverages & Snacks In Class

Difficulty level: Beginner

The Beverage

A few of us here at are students, and as such, we need to let everyone know how awesome we are not only outside of school, but also in class. This tip is for our fellow student douchebags needing to show their classmates how awesome they are.

Some students like to bring re-usable, stainless steel, re-fillable water bottles, which they use to fill with nasty fountain water. Often times they bring coffee to class, thinking that they are really showing you how “seriously” they take the class. However, as a true douchebag you can see through this bullshit, can’t you? Really, what they are saying is that “I have poor time management and I can’t find the time to sleep so I need to bring this poorly brewed Starbucks coffee to stay half-awake in class. I hope you don’t come to this conclusion and just think I’m trying to be on my game for class and give myself a mental boost.” Ha! See how easy that was?

Now, when you enter class and after you set up your Apple MacBook Pro on the desk, neatly pull out and place a bottle of water next to it. And no...not a stainless steel canister or even a plastic bottle. You need something better: glass. Coloured (spell words like the English and insist that this is the proper way to do so even though you are in America) glass bottles tend to be the best because they stand out. We recommend a green glass bottle for your water.

One of the best brands for green glass bottled water is Perrier. It is also a sparkling mineral water, which means that you are getting more out of every sip than anyone else who might be drinking refilled and nasty fountain water. Remember, you are better than them.

Now, speaking of “refilled,” people may think because you are drinking from a glass bottle that you might be refilling it yourself! Preposterous! Prepare to put these rumors to bed. When you pull out the glass bottle of Perrier, set it down on your desk and let it sit there for a bit. Let the class lecture begin and allow others to take note. As the professor starts to get into their lecture and people stop paying attention to you and your green glass bottle, gently grab hold of the bottle and twist the cap. Lightly set the glass down and look to your left and right, smiling at your peers with the proper douchebag smirk (if you don’t think you have the smirk down, we will be covering it in the coming months - in the meantime, do your best to produce a smile that says “You know what you saw and you know how awesome I am for it”). If you do this right, it will make just enough sound to not distract the professor but will catch the attention of the students around you. Let them bask in the air that is released from the sparking mineral beverage.

The Snacks

Now that you have your douchey choice of drink selected, there may be times where other people will try to use you to get themselves to seem more cool. One common technique that these people use is to provide you with an edible treat. Once you accept, this will send the message to everyone nearby that you, the douchebag, approves of the food and the person offering said food. Don’t let yourself get used in this unrefined manner. You are better than that. Don’t give that satisfaction to your peers.

In addition to this, you don’t know where the food has been, how it has been handled, or what the ingredients are. If someone should offer you food, and you are going to refuse anyway, don’t let that be the end of your song. Add a second movement to the symphony that is your conversation. Before declining the food, ask if it is all organic, and mention it looks like it could be made with artificial colours and ingredients and that you see yourself and your body as a temple, a temple with many many hard working peasants that keep every part of your body clean. Then point to the clean mineral water. Another good reason to get Perrier over the other brands is because it says on the bottle “from the source.” Point to this (and inquire if their snack is “from the source”, raise your hand as if you were to stop them from offering the food, and then suggest that you really need to pay attention to the professor since you're here to learn. If the other party knows what is good for them, they will see how awesome you are and write down some notes.

For our Expert Douchebags:

To take this maneuver over the top, we recommend that you get Perrier with Lemon. The yellow lemon adds an additional hint of doucheyness to the bottle. True, the flavor is not all that different so it shouldn’t really matter if you go with the lemon, but then again, that is what makes this an expert level move.