1. Beverages & Snacks In Class

Difficulty level: Beginner

The Beverage

A few of us here at Doucheblog.org are students, and as such, we need to let everyone know how awesome we are not only outside of school, but also in class. This tip is for our fellow student douchebags needing to show their classmates how awesome they are.

Some students like to bring re-usable, stainless steel, re-fillable water bottles, which they use to fill with nasty fountain water. Often times they bring coffee to class, thinking that they are really showing you how “seriously” they take the class. However, as a true douchebag you can see through this bullshit, can’t you? Really, what they are saying is that “I have poor time management and I can’t find the time to sleep so I need to bring this poorly brewed Starbucks coffee to stay half-awake in class. I hope you don’t come to this conclusion and just think I’m trying to be on my game for class and give myself a mental boost.” Ha! See how easy that was?

Now, when you enter class and after you set up your Apple MacBook Pro on the desk, neatly pull out and place a bottle of water next to it. And no...not a stainless steel canister or even a plastic bottle. You need something better: glass. Coloured (spell words like the English and insist that this is the proper way to do so even though you are in America) glass bottles tend to be the best because they stand out. We recommend a green glass bottle for your water.

One of the best brands for green glass bottled water is Perrier. It is also a sparkling mineral water, which means that you are getting more out of every sip than anyone else who might be drinking refilled and nasty fountain water. Remember, you are better than them.

Now, speaking of “refilled,” people may think because you are drinking from a glass bottle that you might be refilling it yourself! Preposterous! Prepare to put these rumors to bed. When you pull out the glass bottle of Perrier, set it down on your desk and let it sit there for a bit. Let the class lecture begin and allow others to take note. As the professor starts to get into their lecture and people stop paying attention to you and your green glass bottle, gently grab hold of the bottle and twist the cap. Lightly set the glass down and look to your left and right, smiling at your peers with the proper douchebag smirk (if you don’t think you have the smirk down, we will be covering it in the coming months - in the meantime, do your best to produce a smile that says “You know what you saw and you know how awesome I am for it”). If you do this right, it will make just enough sound to not distract the professor but will catch the attention of the students around you. Let them bask in the air that is released from the sparking mineral beverage.

The Snacks

Now that you have your douchey choice of drink selected, there may be times where other people will try to use you to get themselves to seem more cool. One common technique that these people use is to provide you with an edible treat. Once you accept, this will send the message to everyone nearby that you, the douchebag, approves of the food and the person offering said food. Don’t let yourself get used in this unrefined manner. You are better than that. Don’t give that satisfaction to your peers.

In addition to this, you don’t know where the food has been, how it has been handled, or what the ingredients are. If someone should offer you food, and you are going to refuse anyway, don’t let that be the end of your song. Add a second movement to the symphony that is your conversation. Before declining the food, ask if it is all organic, and mention it looks like it could be made with artificial colours and ingredients and that you see yourself and your body as a temple, a temple with many many hard working peasants that keep every part of your body clean. Then point to the clean mineral water. Another good reason to get Perrier over the other brands is because it says on the bottle “from the source.” Point to this (and inquire if their snack is “from the source”, raise your hand as if you were to stop them from offering the food, and then suggest that you really need to pay attention to the professor since you're here to learn. If the other party knows what is good for them, they will see how awesome you are and write down some notes.

For our Expert Douchebags:

To take this maneuver over the top, we recommend that you get Perrier with Lemon. The yellow lemon adds an additional hint of doucheyness to the bottle. True, the flavor is not all that different so it shouldn’t really matter if you go with the lemon, but then again, that is what makes this an expert level move.