Monday, February 28, 2011

2. The Ultimate Crunch

Difficulty level: Moderate

An important component in every douche’s lifestyle is the pursuit of a physique that would rival the Greek gods themselves. Especially in today’s society, where physical fitness is no longer a priority for the masses, a true douchebag must do all that he can in order to distinguish himself from others and exemplify his superior position in society. While all of us here at Doucheblog have not had a chance to fully contextualize what it truly means to be a “gym douche” (more to come on this later), we would like to give a prime example of how a douchebag can, and should, act in a fitness center environment.

The competition between douchebags in a gym setting is fierce; guys are slamming heavy weights left and right to illustrate how difficult their lifts are. Many of them are donning sleeveless tees that show off tribal tats, and almost every other guy in there has a cocktail of colorful supplements that screams douchebag. It is difficult to establish yourself in this type of environment, and there are many factors working against you. You need not worry however, the exercise described below will demonstrate how awesome and badass you are despite the lack of heavy weights, and the fact that a shirt with sleeves can be worn while performing it.

This exercise is called “The Ultimate Crunch” (be sure to make sure everyone within earshot hears this badass exercise title prior to its performance). You will need a training partner and a decline bench with foot supports to perform this exercise. The premise is simple, you will perform decline crunches as one normally would except for one major addition: your crunching partner is blasting you in the abdominals with punches. Your partner must punch you hard or else it simply won’t look as douchey as it should. For the first few times start off nice and easy, but as time progresses ramp up the intensity until those around you have no choice but to stare in awe because of your display of incredible core strength in a situation that would cause others severe internal bleeding. With a simple twist, a boring crunch becomes an awesome, and incredibly douchey action that will be sure to turn heads and draw all of the attention in the gym to you. This, of course, is always the goal.

Note: Feel free to make audible sounds, while squinting, that illustrate how difficult your exercise is. This is a subtle art (more to come on how to perfect this art in the coming months). You should not grunt loudly, but rather produce softer hissing sounds (such as “sssah”) that say “wow this exercise is super difficult and hurts really bad, but I am such a badass that I can perform it without screaming for medical attention, and btw defiantly pay attention to what I am doing because I am the epitome of everything you wish to become, and ladies, yes I will go out with you because I know all of you are checking me out (it MUST imply a run on sentence of this nature, that is how we douchebags communicate).

Now, a radical exercise such as the “Ultimate Crunch” has powerful ramifications that will undoubtedly undermine the delicate douchebag hierarchy previously established in the gym. Other members of the gym will feel threatened by your awesome crunches, and through fear and intimidation, will try to undermine you. Not to worry, we have encountered this before and know exactly what to do. Often times, inferior douches will approach you and claim that your variation of the crunch is stupid and pointless. Before directly engaging these assholes in a defensive debate about the validity of your exercise regiment, you must instead take the offensive. (This is a separate douchebag manoeuvre which will be covered in detail later.) Ask them immediately if they know what a AC index is (Abdominal Compression index) and wait for the inevitable answer: “No.” (Nobody knows what this is because it is a term that we have simply made up). Explain that your exercise maximizes this index in ways that a traditional crunch can only dream of. Explain that despite popular belief, this index is the only measurement one should consider when performing abdominal exercises. Then shift gears, display “genuine” surprise at their ignorance of the term and ask them what they instead use to gauge the effectiveness of their ab exercises. Regardless of their answer give them a douchey scoff, shake your head, and proclaim that their notion of a good ab workout is “hilarious.” Shake your head at them and mutter how sad their incompetence is as you prepare for your second set of crunches. As you are performing your second set grab their attention (preferably by whistling at them as though they are a canine), point at your shredded midsection, and state that “it’s all about the index bro”. (Using “bro” appropriately in a fitness center situation can act like a multiplier on your doucheyness) Upon completing this, wave them away proclaiming “we are done here” and explain that you are in the gym to work and not to “goof off”. Relish in your victory with your tried and true douchebag smirk.

By doing this, an attempt to usurp you from your role as an apex douchebag has successfully been undermined and effectively crushed. As a true douchebag it is up to you to make sure that all who serve to taint your image of unprecedented awesomeness are destroyed and publicly humiliated.

For the Expert Douche:
Perform the ultimate crunch by yourself without a partner. While performing incline crunches punch yourself in the stomach when the top of your crunch is reached. This doubles both the intensity and LBA (Level of Bad Ass) of the exercise, in effect quadrupling how awesome you look while doing it.

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