Tuesday, May 24, 2011

8. Beverages & Snacks in Class: Part II

Difficulty: Intermediate

While a nice glass bottle of Perrier might do the trick for some, here at Doucheblog we recognize that there are all kinds of douchebags, and each of them require a tailored medium of sustenance that needs to be utilized in the classroom. This is an article that will outline the ideal types of snacks the “Nerdy Douche” should bring to class. 
      Nerdy douches. You know who you are: you wear transition lenses, you have a leather backpack, you ride a scooter around campus that has a little bell on it that makes noise when you set your “ride” down in class thus drawing everyone’s attention to your presence. You know a lot of weird facts about a wide variety of topics, and what's more, you aren’t afraid to share your wealth of knowledge with others (Ex. When others ask you what time it its, instead of answering them, you instead explain why penguins have square irises).
      As a true nerdy douche in class, you must do two things: 1.) Draw as much attention to yourself as possible so that your “presence” is established in the classroom 2.) Satisfy the high caloric intake necessary to maintain your freakishly large cerebral cortex. Both of these conditions can be satisfied by bringing large food items to your class (two birds, one stone, sweet success). Let us present you with a few of our favorite options.
      A cantaloupe: Bringing a whole cantaloupe to class is always a good decision. Fruit has the perfect blend of complex carbohydrates and vitamins that will keep you energized and feeling good all day. Also, the sight of a large cantaloupe is a surefire way to grab the class' attention. BONUS: use a large hunting knife to cut up your cantaloupe. During class discussions incorporate the large knife into your body language/hand gestures (i.e. when addressing someone in particular point at them with the knife).
      Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches: PB & J is a classic, but making it in the morning and eating it in the afternoon is never a good idea simply because the moisture from the jelly will make the bread soggy. Bring a jar of both peanut butter and jelly to class, along with a whole loaf of bread. As your professor lectures bring out all your supplies, and make some fresh peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. BONUS: for extra douche points begin handing out freshly made sandwiches to your peers. Not only will this attract more positive attention to you, but your classmates will begin to associate you as a source of nutrition and will become dependent on you. NOTE: if you are a male nerdy douche distributing PB & J will cause available females in your class to view you as a good provider, causing them to yearn for your seed (always a plus).
      Costco sized bag of cereal: Who doesn’t love cereal? The packaging is loud, the cereal is crunchy, and with such a large bag you won’t run out no matter how long your lecture is. This is the perfect snack; it will force others to notice you (make sure to enjoy each bite with a satisfying “crunch”), while causing everyone else to ponder how you became so awesome.
      A 2 liter bottle of soda: Lets face it, riding around all day on your scooter, correcting other people’s grammar, and being just plain awesome all day works up quite a thirst. Rehydrate by downing a whole 2 liters of your favorite soft drink. Make sure to bring an unopened bottle to class so that when you open it for the first time, the release of CO2 catches everyone's attention. Once all eyes are on you proceed to chug down the whole bottle as fast as possible. Refreshing.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

7. Apple Products

Difficulty Level: Easy

Everybody needs computers. You need one for school, your work, and even for your social life. However, you don't need a PC. You need a Mac. Why? Because when you pull out a Mac in public, you’re really doing everyone around you a favor. You are treating them to the viewing of a beautifully designed product that also screams elegance. After you pull out your MacBook Pro, feel free to pull out your iPad 2 and even the iPhone 4 you have. Make sure to lay them out so both mobile devices are on either side of your laptop. If possibly, place them in a stand of some kind, allowing them to be viewed with greater ease. At this point, frantically look at each device but constantly switch up theorder of viewing their screens. First the iPhone, then your iPad, then the Mac, then theiPad, then back at the Mac, maybe a quick glance at the iPhone, and then really glare at the Mac. Squinting a bit may also help as it shows you are concentrating on the material on the screen. If people around you ask what you are up to, lift up you hand (showing them your palm) and explain that it is all very technical - implying that they may not understand.

Keep in mind that all Apple products are indestructible. Steve has blessed each product with his immortal powers. Your Apple products don't need cases, bumpers, or covers, unless it's a SmartCover for the iPad 2 (make sure to get a leather one). Besides, why would you want to cover up that gorgeous design? Shame on you for even thinking of it!

For Our Advanced Douchebags:

The MacBook Pro comes in various sizes, with the largest one being 17 inches. Should you own a 17-inch MBP, you are essentially the King of the Douchebags. A nice way to prove your regality is to head to your nearest Starbucks with your 17-inch MBP. Make sure to cough or sneeze or somehow draw attention to yourself as you lift your baby out of its protective carrying case. As the poor owners of the 15 inchers see that bad boy they will immediately start groveling. Congrats, you are King of the Douchebags!