Doucheblog.org: 7. Apple Products

Sunday, May 15, 2011

7. Apple Products

Difficulty Level: Easy

Everybody needs computers. You need one for school, your work, and even for your social life. However, you don't need a PC. You need a Mac. Why? Because when you pull out a Mac in public, you’re really doing everyone around you a favor. You are treating them to the viewing of a beautifully designed product that also screams elegance. After you pull out your MacBook Pro, feel free to pull out your iPad 2 and even the iPhone 4 you have. Make sure to lay them out so both mobile devices are on either side of your laptop. If possibly, place them in a stand of some kind, allowing them to be viewed with greater ease. At this point, frantically look at each device but constantly switch up theorder of viewing their screens. First the iPhone, then your iPad, then the Mac, then theiPad, then back at the Mac, maybe a quick glance at the iPhone, and then really glare at the Mac. Squinting a bit may also help as it shows you are concentrating on the material on the screen. If people around you ask what you are up to, lift up you hand (showing them your palm) and explain that it is all very technical - implying that they may not understand.

Keep in mind that all Apple products are indestructible. Steve has blessed each product with his immortal powers. Your Apple products don't need cases, bumpers, or covers, unless it's a SmartCover for the iPad 2 (make sure to get a leather one). Besides, why would you want to cover up that gorgeous design? Shame on you for even thinking of it!

For Our Advanced Douchebags:

The MacBook Pro comes in various sizes, with the largest one being 17 inches. Should you own a 17-inch MBP, you are essentially the King of the Douchebags. A nice way to prove your regality is to head to your nearest Starbucks with your 17-inch MBP. Make sure to cough or sneeze or somehow draw attention to yourself as you lift your baby out of its protective carrying case. As the poor owners of the 15 inchers see that bad boy they will immediately start groveling. Congrats, you are King of the Douchebags!

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Intro

Were you looking for a feminine hygiene product? Were you hoping to see pictures of douchebags to laugh at? Or are you just using StumbleUpon to see what the latest cool sites are and stumbled here? However you got here, we are sure you won’t want to leave. Why? Because we are douchebags. Now you may be asking yourself, why on earth would I want to be on a site owned, operated, and controlled by douchebags?

It’s simple; the word “douchebag” has changed it’s meaning quite a bit over time. It once meant a hygiene product for women, it then referred to a person who is a pompous and pretentious prick. Now it means simply "somebody who is better than you". Douchebags have the money, the women, the clothing, the cars. However you choose to get these material goods is up to you: career, inheritance, or otherwise. The people calling you a douchebag are the ones who don’t have the means or the style to be a true douchebag.

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Don’t get us wrong; we realize that there is not a cookie cutter douchebag style out there. In fact there are myriad ways to be a douchebag. Some examples are:

1. Business savy douchebags
2. Gym-rat douchebags
3. Student douchebags
4. Classy douchebags
5. Hip-Hop douchebags
6. Nerdy-Scientific douchebags
7. Bitchy douchebags (yes women can be douches too)

With that, enjoy the site and ask questions where ever appropriate.

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