Tuesday, March 22, 2011

4. Be a d-bag, don’t use a t-bag

Difficulty Level: Easy

If you are serious about being a douchebag, you really need to stop using tea bags. That’s right, drinking conventional bagged tea is a lot like being able to afford a Mercedes-Benz but choosing to drive a Kia. Sure, they both get the job done, but really? A Kia? C’mon.

Actually, that analogy doesn’t really stand up that well. Loose-leaf tea isn’t that much more expensive, nor does it really require any more time to make. However, it will taste infinitely better and is far more nutritious.

The history of tea is fascinating. It all began as loose-leaf. However, for ease of shipping the tea around the world, they began to move from metal containers to bags. Less weight in transit meant an easier and more cost effective shipment. These would come in many different sizes. One time, a merchant bought a relatively small quantity of tea and tossed it all in with the bag into his large water boiler, mistakenly thinking that this was the proper method. And so, it was realized that you could easily bag tea, brew it, and have a relatively easy clean-up process. The method has since evolved from thicker cloth bags to the paper-like tea bags that we see today.

There are a few reasons why loose-leaf tea is superior, though. The first is that bagged tea is just crap. It’s true. It doesn’t matter what exotic flavor you might have. When loose leaf tea is processed, the small broken up bits of the leaves that they cannot sell all get collected and stuffed into little bags, which you then spend your money on. Unless the container states that it is loose leaf tea in bags (and you can see that the tea leaves are indeed larger than normal conventional packets) then you are getting garbage.

Even if you do get loose-leaf bagged tea its still crap.  You could be brewing your tea in an infuser that will allow all the leaves to expand. The more freely the tea leaves can expand, the healthier and tastier the tea will be.

Now you may say “I don’t drink tea.  I’m a coffee man.” To that, we reply “pity." Tea is wonderful. Here are some reasons why tea drinkers are better than you.

Drinking tea:
  • helps lead to fewer signs of aging
  • helps your body fight allergies
  • improves memory
  • helps prevent Alzheimer’s disease by being rich in antioxidants
  • helps reduce inflammation and helps those with arthritis
  • lets others know you are better than they are
  • helps strengthen your bones
  • prevents bacteria from growing on your tongue, thus preventing bad breath
  • helps fight cancer
  • lowers cholesterol levels
  • improves sexual performance
  • is a safe treatment of Rosacea
  • aids in the prevention of Glaucoma
  • helps cut the risk of cardiovascular disease
  • boosts the immune system
  • makes you more attractive to the opposite sex
  • keeps your teeth healthy
  • helps boost metabolism and promote weight loss
  • increases your life span by 20 percent

Only 3 of those are made up.

As you can see, tea has many health benefits. If you aren’t drinking at least 32 oz a day, maybe you should start. It tastes great, is healthy, and it makes you better than everyone else who drinks bagged tea. Drive your Benz and explain why having 5-way directional traction control complimented with a 7-speed automatic manual tiptronic gearbox is superior to a Kia’s 5 speed automatic transmission.

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