Thursday, March 10, 2011

3. The Perfect Shirt

Difficulty level: Medium

It should not come as a surprise at all that the ideal douchebag dresses to the “T.” That’s right; just as ridiculous as the Lamborghini Countach was for the streets, your outfit should be the same but 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. This brings us to the perfect shirt.

The perfect shirt has a few important qualities: the contrast colour collar (CCC or trip-pimp Cs), the elegant cuff-links, and last but not least, the monogrammed initials.

The Contrast Colour Collar

What are contrast colour collars, aka trip-pimp C, shirts? Contrast colour collars are shirts where the collar and the cuffs are a different colour than the rest of the shirt. That is correct, they make the shirt with two different kinds of cloth. Traditionally, the collar and the cuffs of the shirt are white. White has been used as a symbol of purity, cleanliness, and overall “good.” This is sharply contrasted by the colour black, which has been associated with evil, darkness, dirtiness, and just plain filth. We here at the Doucheblog would recommend that you stick to the simple white contrast colour and cuffs to associate yourself with the positive connotations of the colour. On a subconscious level this contrast has an effect on people. Lets break down the unconscious effects of the trip-pimp C shirt.

  • There is something about this guy that just stands out
  • I bet this guy would be great in bed
  • Wow, how does he keep his shirts so white
  • I wonder if I have a shot with a guy who looks so incredible
  • How much money can I get this guy to spend on me since my self-worth is tied to my weight and the amount of money that men are willing to spend on me.
  • Damn...I should have worn my contrast colour collar shirt. Why didn’t I?
  • How much did he pay for this shirt? I can’t find them anywhere?
  • I feel inferior to him. To help my chances in this social situation, I will befriend him and maybe others will like me if I can prove that this cool guy likes me.
  • I wonder if I have a shot with a guy who looks so incredible (hey, its not your fault you look so damn good!)
When purchasing your shirt, make sure to get it tailored. In fact, your best bet is to go to a proper tailor (no, not JC Penny’s or the Men’s Warehouse) and select the cloth used for your shirt by hand. Yes, yes, yes...this does mean that you cannot get the shirt right then and there and you will have to be patient. However, when you do finally get it, the shirt will bring you infinitely more joy than you would get from a mediocre shirt that you simply put on and walk out of the store with. When choosing the cloth for your shirt, make sure to select stiff cloth for the collar and the cuffs. You want them to have stiff collars and cuffs so that they give a level of rigidity and structure to the cloth, thus signifying your own strength and power. A cuff that is all loose and weak doesn’t exude power or confidence. And if you are trying to become the best douchebag that can be, then you really do need collars and cuffs that are stiff.

The Cuff Link

Since you are picking the cloth of the shirt, you are also able to pick the styles. We recommend the cuff link. Unlike buttons, cuff links can’t “fall apart” and roll around on the floor. And should a cuff link come undone, you can easily put it back in it’s place. Since there are no threads keeping the cuff link in place, you don’t need a needle and thread and 15 minutes to put it back together. Furthermore, you choose the cuff links. Links are the third type of jewelry that is acceptable for men to wear, they come after watches and necklaces but before sunglasses and earrings. More coming on jewelry at a later date. For now, think about the cuff links that you would like with your shirt. The cuff links should be simple, elegant, and and present a sense of refinement. You can get multiple cuff links and swap them out with your shirts easily (something you cannot do with buttons) and so much more. The best part about cuff links is that they show you took extra care with your clothing. You care so much about looking good you went the extra distance and got them, while everyone else will be satisfied with status quo simple buttons.

For Our Expert Douches

To take this maneuver over the top, we recommend that you get your cuff monogrammed. That’s right, white cuff with black initials on the left hand cuff. This is also where your watch should be. This way, as you are asked for the time by a hot young lady, you can pull back the cuff and expose the timepiece as well as the initials.

The initials signify that you care so much about your shirt that you went even further (than just cuff links) to get them stitched with your initials. It also signifies that the shirt wasn’t just off the rack. No sir. Your shirt was hand tailored.

Should you be asked if your shirt is indeed monogrammed with your initials by a young lady, simply look at her in disbelief and exclaim with a snort and laugh that “only a douche would do that.” Then take note of the cuff on your shirt, move your eyebrows in a concerned and confused fashion, and then ask her what time she is having dinner tonight. Once she tells you the time (sometime between 6-8pm), mention “so you should be done around 9:30; why don’t we hook-up for a drink around then.” Now you are all set and you won’t have to pay for dinner. More on picking up chicks coming up!

1 comment:

  1. Ahh, I was wondering about those snazzy collars. Thanks, Doucheblog!